Summer of 2019 is for me a summer to remember.
I had a time with lots of first times and leaps, a lot of jumps and stepping out from comfort zone, with breaking patterns and rules that I lived my whole life. I am in my destruction phase, as one Aztec teaching man was saying to me last year.
I am studying ceremonies from different nations and places of the word. Besides reading on internet and watching videos, for some of them I really get involved, being part of a ceremony done by somebody else, or even learning to do it myself. It was my quest for the last 7-8 years that I started in a moment of crossroads in my life and when the exterior and posing images for society were not working for me anymore.
„What is truly me and what is projected or imposed by community?” this was the question that was triggering me over and over again. I was 33 years old, in a long-term relationship, a business and a house in construction together. And suddently nothing was having a meaning for me anymore. Nobody was the blame, this was the hardest part. If it was another person to blame it would have been easier. But nope, it was just me that I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I just couldn’t go on and on in the same way, running away from my confusion and immersing in work.
From then, I started with psiho therapy, with meditation, with conscious breathing, reading a lot of spiritual books and working with dreams. A lot of teachers and guides came in my way. I was so hungry to experiment and find myself, that I was very close to bad decisions. Luckily, I had smart friends around me to understand the need in the back and not to challenge my decisions. Because I can be very stubborn if you say to me that is something I cannot do.
This is how I met also various people that were talking about shamanism and native ceremonies. There is a big difference between people that are natives and live their culture and people that traveled around the world and learned various techniques that are then promoting. After being part of some activities run by the second type, I choose to go only in ceremonies run by natives (in Romania or in their homelands).
In the last 4 years I have been many times in ceremonies from Native Americans (Lakota), Aztec, Siberian tradition, and just one time in the Japanese, Columbian and Buddhist tradition. Whenever I felt the calling, I was speaking directly with those people, wanting to understand more about their way of connecting and performing their rituals. Inevitably, it came the question about me, what they can say to me for that moment. This is how I got this message from different people: you have to destroy yourself in order to reconstruct yourself again. They knew little about my life, about my experiences, but somehow they got the main cry that I was shouting out loud without words: I am stuck, where should I go further?
I like to study the rituals for the mechanisms they have in the back, of construction and re-construction of symbols and actions that bring peace and quiet in the mind and in the soul. From incenses to sounds and movements, I found various ways of challenging the sensorial me and to reconnect with surroundings in this way (from nature to urban jungle).
Of course, there are rituals that can lead to dependency mechanisms. And I saw a lot of people that were craving for the word of the shaman or the guru for them, that were attending to all activities and were not looking to something else. I respect their need for this kind of manifestation, but I was not like that. I was looking for advice, but never putting aside my critical thinking.
I do feel there is a deeper meaning in all these ceremonies that has to do with the power of belief and the psychology of the individual. But, like everything around us, can be used for manipulation and selfish interests or for the wellbeing of others. But, as in shopping, you cannot say about a piece of cloth only from the windows; you have to go inside and take a closer look, touch it, or even try it.
To destroy myself…Easy to say and hard to do it!, I said to myself
And then, as the saying „be careful what you wish for„, the summer of 2019 came with many moments of instant decision: you do it or not? There is no try. If you really want to do something, you quiet all the mental arguments and take the leap. Despite fear of hight, fear of trusting others, financial insecurities, fear of exposing yourself and being vulnerable. In the end is al about if are you committed to yourself and your wishes or not? If doing things as you did them until now got you here, are you willing to change your way of acting? Pfffff… tough questions.
Being part of a therapeutic process, I could make these decisions in a safe zone, like a dry-run in a laboratory. And I could feel the taste of daring, of real courage and of being true to yourself. And it felt really good! But, on 8th of July, the process ended and life began. Can I move from special created space to everyday life?
And now it got me! All these jumps, and steps done in crazy and adrenaline generating actions are just tiny steps… The real work is to jump inside, to break the barriers inside, in your beliefs, your rules, your way of thinking. Of course, the exterior decisions and actions help a lot giving you trust that you can do whatever you decide to do. But in the end is about overcoming mental limits that we’ve created around us. The real jump is inside yourself…
And this is where authentic rituals really help me. Through their connection to nature and animals and elements around, I am gaining new perspectives and new images of life. Going back to the simple things around us and bringing their aspects in my life. No interpretation from priests and gurus, no procedures and rules to follow. Just pure connection with basic ways of living. How would a eagle feel in the air, how come the birds sings everyday facing birth and death and challenges, how would a tree feel in the middle of a crowded city?
And through each stone and tree and bird, the same question appears in my mind: Are you afraid of dying or are you afraid of living without fear? Like we do!
Because this is life, in the end!
So, here I am, standing in love for life and all her manifestations (goods and bads) and making the jump… each day, each moment… another jump and another one. And it is scary, but I do it anyway! Because in the end, it is about feeling everything and doing what you want anyway!
Summer of 2019 is a summer to remember! As each one that will come further.